Bad Advice for Good People: I can’t get out of bed… I don’t know who to bed.

Told ya.

Told ya.

This retirement thing is weird.  I just can’t get out of bed in the morning.  Can you make staying in bed more productive ? -MM

Bed… so many things can be done in bed, both literally and figuratively. Let me give you some examples. You make a sandwich before bed and put it a small refrigerator next to your night stand. Lunch? Covered.

Also, it’s important that your night stand is really the size of a table. And get a couple lazy susans for that sucker. Besides your usual books and full glass of water that seems to be the latest “these are always on my nightstand” phenomenon, you’re going to need a bottle of whiskey, maybe a bong (you should really become a stoner if you’re going to be retired) and a remote for the newly installed widescreen that takes up the entire wall across from your bed. Everything else on there is up to your fancy. Ok? Good.

Now you can hook up your laptop to the widescreen so you can get things “done” while your in bed, which basically means looking at all the subgenres of porn you can handle. Perhaps you write the occasional email and you might as well Facebook your progress by making people jealous that you’re still in bed at 11:30 AM while they’re constantly hiding tabs on their browser when their shitty boss walks by.

Oh, what’s that… you need to use the bathroom? If you really feel like you can’t walk the 20 feet to relieve yourself I have two word for you… adult diapers.

How do I date a man who’s married and has kids? Please give me some shitty advice. -SJG

You don’t date a man who is married and has kids. You fuck him. Why is it that the only people who are into open relationships are Burning Man enthusiasts and overly hairy Dungeons and Dragons players who think they can recreate the sex parts from Game of Thrones in the 21st century.

I don’t know what category this guy fits into of the two. Well, actually, I’m forgetting the third which takes up about 9% of the “I like to fuck other people but I totally identify as monogamous, plus I like being married” population. I call these people Scratchers. Based on the theory of the 7 year itch but continuing on through the filter of “I just really want to get in touch with my inner goddess” these dudes who convince their wives that they need other pussy to understand themselves on deeper level, will always find a reason to back up their belief. Scratchers are sort of like progressive evangelicals. Instead of homosexuals being the devil, people who aren’t politically polygamous are the sinners.

So anyway, if you’re cool with fucking that agenda, then go for it. Just know if you fall in love with this colostomy bag I warned you ahead of time.

Dear bad advice columnist,

I have been online dating for a while now and a lot of the guys are unemployed, living at their parents and have no car. I feel so sorry for them. Should I pick a cute one and let them share my wonderful life? -B

You need to be careful about this, I mean in terms of what you write to me. “Dear bad advice columnist”…  I guess I don’t have a name? Are you just writing to any bad advice columnist? I can’t tell. Well, I can but let me get to your actual question because my feelings are a little hurt and I want that to influence what I write next.

I should have warned you that I’m always reading between the lines. I notice that you feel “so” sorry for them. That’s the trick. If you just felt sorry for these Grups (That’s an adult who acts in all manners like someone ten to twenty years their junior) then you might just take one of them home, peg him… you know the whole bend over boyfriend deal (because really they just want to be dominated so they can feel something) and then drop him off in an abandoned warehouse district.

I’m not being mean. These guys thrive on experiences, not actual life, so you’re doing them a huge favor. Also, I think you need to look at why you think your life is so fucking wonderful. No one I know has a wonderful life. Nobody. Sure, there’s magical moments that come from eating specific desserts but there’s this thing called the economy that most people have to contend with. Ohhhhh… you’re a trust fund kid. Scratch everything I said above and just hire a male escort. Dating is for poor people.

Need some advice? Of course you don’t. Contact me.

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