Bad Advice for Good People: Misanthropes and Cucumber Faces

Oh, you people.

Oh, you people.

I don’t like people. What do I do?

Wow, that’s an open-ended question that could lead to all sorts of crap advice, but I’ll go with first thought, worst thought. You need to learn how to garden and kill your own meat because you’re about to go off the grid completely. You know that book turned movie Into the Wild? You should watch that again, but avoid all the scenes where he’s talking to people and that revelation he has at the end while he’s dying of hunger about how much people matter. All that’s Hollywood jacking off.

You need to get clear about what you don’t like about humanity, but first you need to isolate yourself completely, make sure you have some matches, a few pairs of decent long underwear and a change of socks. Build a makeshift shelter that lets weather in to the degree that you think you’ve managed to fix the problem before another disaster lets loose that you have to spend all your precious daylight hours on.

First Aid kits are for the genteel so just be certain you have some rags to soak up the blood from that weird accident that know one for ten miles will know about. Once you really settle in remember to work daily on your manifesto. May I suggest the title All Man is is a Piece of Shit. I know, I know, the double “is” conundrum, however you’re going to be so fucking hungry that the third person singular isn’t (ha!) going to be high on your priority list.

The great thing about this is that you will really discover the truth that we all die alone. Too bad no one will ever understand the totality of your revelation.

I’ve been dating a person that says I look like a cucumber. We were rolling when they said this the first time so I just took it in stride but now it’s a daily occurrence. I like cucumbers but I don’t want to look like one. How do I stop?

First off you need an ellipsis (you now the three periods …) at the end of your question. How do you stop what? No one can stop looking like a vegetable and you didn’t send a picture so I don’t know if you actually look like bok choy, so I can only help you with this fuckface you’re dating.

People say all sorts of things when they’re high. I once pointed at a summer squash in glee because I saw Fred Flintstone’s face plain as day while stoned out of my mind. Then I woke up face down and realized I just watched too much TV as a kid and my subconscious is a complete asshole. This person is simply experiencing post-drug revelations that are personal and subjective. It doesn’t mean they should write a memoir or become a guru. Actually that’s probably the trajectory so I’m going to get all Dan Savage and say DTMA.

Now on to your incredible low self-esteem. When anyone in the future says you look like a type of food you need to ask yourself whether this person is worth having in your life. Somebody might call you blueberry as a nickname but that’s a term of endearment, not a crass teardown disguised as a hippy compliment.

A friend told me about a couple he met once who had changed their last name to Compost. He had the appropriate response. Something along the lines of “What the fuck is wrong with you?”. Seems like you might think that the surname Compost is awesome at this point in your development so I don’t know if you are getting how awful that choice really is. Look, I don’t know if you’re a really cool and beautiful person but you need to find somebody who thinks you are, and it’s in your best interest to hang out with that person as much as possible.

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