Bad Advice: Londin Calling for a Cut and Color

Wow. Just wow.

Wow. Just wow.

I have a difficult conflict and I need your help. My sister is getting married soon and it so happens that the only hour I can get an appointment with my stylist to get a cut and color is the during her stupid ceremony. It’s really hard to get an appointment since she’s really popular. What should I do? -GH

Wow. I can’t tell if you’re horrible or my hero. I’ll give you one thing, you’re honest. Obviously you’re a narcissist. The fact that you even consider that getting a haircut instead of attending your sibling’s big day shows how vain and shallow you truly are. However, I’m going to point out something that I hope everyone benefits from. You definitely need to go get that cut and color instead of going watch your sister blubber in uncontrollable sobs while the person she’s choosing to spend the rest of her life with tells her in front of everyone they know why he loves her so much. I mean you could just watch a rom com later that day instead. Same difference.

People like you are necessary. They remind the rest of us of how sane we are, so thanks in advance for that. All you need is permission to go and do what you were going to do already. It just makes you feel like it’s ok. That little, teeny weeny part of you that knows it’s beyond twisted to even write me such a question can now be squashed permanently. Now you can say “But I was told this was ok.” when your sister stands before you realizing that this is the last straw in your relationship.

Most likely your parents won’t talk to you for a couple years, maybe forever. You could get cut out of their will, just be aware of that, but really when you think about it, it’s worth it. That appointment is basically gold and who gives that up? While the rest of us figure out ways to deal with our jealousies, resentments and feelings of remorse, you never even have to consider the consequences of your actions. That’s pretty amazing and why I am bestowing upon you the first ever Hero Without a Care Award. You truly are an inspiration of what not to be like… ever.

All of them keep tellin me Londin exists but i don belive them. Fucking lyars. Tell them its bullcrap!!!!!!!

Hey drunkedy drunkersen, thanks for writing in. You are correct. There is no place that is called Londin that I know of personally. I believe that you may be talking about London however and that is a city that actually does live and breathe. Hold on, before you start going on a tangent about busting through the myths of climate change and telling me the earth is 2000 years old, I want to point something out. You’re an idiot.

It’s ok, you didn’t know this up until now. You’re going to need to reevaluate your entire way of looking at reality, but I know that is not actually possible. I mean, all you can really do is continue what you’re doing and get really trashed and yell on Facebook. Oh, thanks for the links by the way to the correlation between antidepressants and bestiality. That further cements your place in the wow-these-people-exist category of my mind.

So I’m starting a crowdfunding campaign just for you. When we reach $2000 you’re going to get a round trip ticket to London and three days and nights at the invisible hotel of your choosing. I think it’s best that you go there directly, get blackout pissed and scream in the streets why the city that you’re in doesn’t exist. You’ve got to bring this message directly to the people who matter most and get your voice heard. You can thank me later.

 

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