Theater Pronounced Dead at 2291

A mask once used by thespians.

A mask once used by thespians.

May 8, 2051 Theater (Theatre) was officially pronounced dead today after being found in an abandoned parking lot behind a once popular Broadway venue on 42nd St. in Manhattan. There are conflicting reports as to the cause of death but at press time it is believed to have been an over usage of computerized contact lenses by the greater population, making access to “The Eye”, once know as the internet, inexpensive enough to forgo real world experiences.

Theater was born roughly around 240 BCE. The Greeks and Romans were the first ones known to longing put the back of their hand against their forehead in dramatic poses. Theater rose to popularity with the works of Shakespeare who some claim to be the world’s most renowned wordsmith. His works fell into obscurity by the year 2040 due to studies and demonstrations of hip hop’s influence and popularization of hiphopgraphy, the movement started by Busdriver and Dose One showing that rapping at light speeds while jamming unused grammar as its base turned more people onto learning the depth of the English language than the Bard ever did.

Although Theater struggled to maintain a mainstream presence through the proliferation of Broadway musicals based on pop culture from Green Day’s American Idiot to a staged production of the popular film Rocky, they were outwitted by a small demographic of fringe artists who began touring theater shows in alternative locations such as abandoned storefronts, friend’s living rooms and public rest stops. Even this DIY format was eventually co-opted by Broadway producers who tried turning their sets into replicas of New York subway tunnels with mechanical rats while young men used spoken word style talking to express their discontent. Their subscriber base was not amused and the offended started the protest organization We Own Broadway which led to crippling financial crisis from 2033-2036 until a revamped production of Oklahoma as well as CATS brought in enough tourism to drown out the Upper East Side organization’s anger.

However it was the year 2042 that almost immediately showed a sharp decline in ticket sales. With “The Eye” introduced, quotation marks and all, people were suddenly using the technology to project themselves onto the stage, seeing their own faces of popular characters in their favorite productions. Losing almost all metaphor and engagement, Theater was then trademarked and copyrighted as a concept, finally having the name transferred to one human being once known as Stanley the Magician. The down on his luck trickster gladly took on the name change but soon saw that his instant popularity was met with both praise and hostility, eventually bringing him to a state of ruin. Theater was soon in a constant state of inebriated fog.

Although Theater sought out treatment, experts warned that taking on a tradition that was over 2000 years old was too much for any one man. Theater leaves behind a rent-controlled apartment, a half eaten pastrami sandwich from Katz and one copy of the most current audition notices with the ironically spooky headline Theater Almost Dead.

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